A list of my guilty pleasure movies

A.k.a judge me all you want but when I get upset or sad or tired just pop one of these films on and I’ll be fine. Also this entry has the least amount of Academy-standards-of-film-making so leave your fake glasses at the door. Also this is an unordered list.

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You better be goddam happy

Kirsten Dunst (as Justine) in Melancholia

Let’s get something crystal clear: I hate the shit out of this movie. I hate it with every fiber of my body. And I know it’s not fair at all. And it’s not like I just finished watching it yesterday, or last week. I watched it 4 months ago, and there’s not any chance that I’d ever watch it again. But why now, that I decide to write about it? Frankly, I can say it never left my mind.

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You made my life a happy one and there’s no tragedy in that

When you think about death too much, chances are after a while you believe that you’re dying. It’s not a bad thing at all, really, when at the end of the day you can shrug it off and know that you’re actually not dying. I know that because I have played in my head all kinds of crazy scenarios where I’d die, and always, dying is the easy part. It’s just giving up. The part where you realize what you are giving up, that’s the part that keeps me until today. It’s not just family and friends and works and achievement, though that is such a large and eye-blinding part. No, it’s about leaving everything behind even, or especially, things you haven’t known of. It’s the fear of everything and everyone moves on without yourself being a part of it. Really, it’s the things that we haven’t the chance to have that we regret the most.

With that in mind I watch the movie with an expectation. I waited for James to break down. Because if a movie showed death of a young person without depicting any kind of regret and bitterness, it’d be a boldface lie. But James breaking down had been handled better than I thought. Along the way, somehow I forgot my expectation. At some point I even thought, hell, I even hoped, Yeah they could end the movie like that, forget about the illness and death and regret, focus on the last trip, the first time after so many years and also the last time they’d get together, free and happy like four little boys on their adventure. It’s actually how people deal with things sometimes, ignore what’s to come and enjoy the moment. That’s what Miles wanted, probably what they all wanted. But it’s tougher than that. Because when we can run away from our problems and deal with them later, James wouldn’t have later. He’d only have: today, this week, this month. And the waiting part is always painful. Continue reading

Used to be

You are coming home.
Are you still alone,
are you not the same as you used to be?
As the sun grows high
and you serve your time,
does each day just feel like another lie?
Now you know
is it just for show,
just a foolish game that you hide behind?
Dont forget the nights
when it all felt right.
Are you not the same as you used to be,
used to be? Continue reading